Since starting my blogging, I was often telling myself to try and not make it too gloomy - 'talk about happy stuff otherwise you might lose your readers', I would think to myself. The brutal fact is I am not happy (at the moment) & I feel compelled to write with honesty about what is going on in this head & heart of mine. I am not after sympathy. I am merely letting it out.
Whilst in therapy in Auckland, I was given this amazing story by my therapist.
I am very aware of the two wolves that live inside of me. The angry wolf is very strong, healthy & very much alive - he is grey & very big. He sits right at my heart. The happy wolf is small, slim, head bowed, eyes downcast but hanging in there & not giving up. He is white & the interesting thing is, he has a glow about him. He sits on my shoulder speaking to me ever so softly in tones of hope.
I am most certainly feeding the angry wolf but at the same time I am pleading with the happy wolf to not die on me. I am promising him that I am working on taming the angry wolf and wants to train him to stand side by side with the happy one... I don't want to completely kill off the angry wolf because he is a part of my make up. These emotions such as anger is a very important & powerful emotion to have if you know how to use it effectively.
I sometimes worry if I will ever actually make it. I guess in the world of winners & losers, I am a loser - now, I don't mean this in a 'putting myself down' kind of way. Instead of getting out there, facing my fears & just doing it anyway, I sit in the comfort of my room thinking of all the things I wish I was brave enough to do. I do however, have this timid little voice within telling me that I can do this. It's like the 'positive/negative' switch inside my soul is not working - I don't seem to know how to flick the switch to 'positive' - God, I want to but I won't allow myself to do it. I have a friend who blogged recently about putting down our worry bag. It was a great read & it did lift something inside of me & I was thinking 'yes, I can do this' - but a few minutes later, I find myself retreating back into my negative little world. I don't even know how to drop my worry bag.
It is frustrating to live like this as I know what I am capable of. I am now beginning to wonder why I bother writing this. I am starting to feel angry. I feel I am a pathetic, worthless waste of space. I go through stages like this. I will bounce back.
I am very fortunate & blessed to have some amazing people in my life who are always trying to assure me that I can do anything. They believe in me. I am afraid I will lose them if I don't shape the fuck up soon. My good friends can only bang their head against the wall with me for so long.
I am now aware of when I am negatively talking to myself & I find myself wrestling with my thoughts to change that self talk into a positive mode. It just doesn't happen...
I just need to know how to turn that switch to positive! I will not win that Academy Award if I don't believe in myself! I want to find something that I am really good at because I just want to work hard! I miss working hard. I want to work my ass off - I love that adrenalin of working to a tight deadline, it makes me feel alive.
- If I make dark my countenance,
- I shut my life from happier chance - ALFRED TENNYSON The Two Voices